I just spent a good 20 minutes on a street corner in Reno, Nevada, sobbing. It was one of those bald and intensely lonesome moments, where I could only think “wtf has happened to my life.” It felt like damn, I miss my husband, I miss my most recent partner, I miss another guy I also fell in love with, I miss my cats, I miss my family, I miss it all. But, of course, that is the nature of the mind: When we start to venture out and loosen our attachments, the mind bites back. It does not let us go so easily. And further, I know I have to do this thing—whatever it is—or I will never feel right inside.
The only person I know in this town is my spiritual teacher, and we have never met in person. I am not about to be like “oh hey dude remember me we’ve had like 5 Skype sessions can we hang?” There is no one else, and the casinos are littered with a dismal melange of avoidance: Cigarettes and social security going down the drain. In the play, all of this is fine. It is just unfolding before me, but it’d be a lie to say it doesn’t affect me energetically.
What happened is that I was sitting on the steps of The Silver Legacy, using their wifi connection to try and find a cheap room. After I was there for about five minutes, two security guards approached me. A woman said “are you going to patronize this establishment, because you can’t just sit on the steps.” And all I could think was, Why the hell not? I am a human, this place is deserted, and the wifi is going to be on whether or not I’m here. Instead all that happened was that I got up and started to cry. I told her I was just looking for a place to stay and then I put my sunglasses on and walked as fast as I could down the street for somewhere to let myself fall apart.
I wanted it to be a park bench, somewhere by the Truckee River, tucked away near grass and trees. But I didn’t make it that far and I didn’t care. I just sat down on a corner in the sun with my sunglasses on, crying, thinking I’m done, I’m done. God kill me; I am done. (When I say “kill me,” I mean that part of me which continues to seek and suffer; the lingering ego-identity.)
It just felt like man, I can’t do this anymore. Two time zones in two days, five hours of sleep in Vegas, shitty Greyhound bus sleep, for what, for what. Yes it is all very romantic, hitching rides, living out of a backpack. People keep comparing me to Jack Kerouac and I guess that’s kinda neat on an ego-level. I have been taken care of by so many incredible people I don’t even know how to start explaining it. They are beautiful, and I love them. But I’m telling you, all I want is to feel at home, and I don’t feel at home, and I don’t know where home is.
I mean, no. That’s a lie. Of course I know it is in my Being, and sometimes I feel solidly rooted in that place in my Heart where all is incorruptible. This always has been and will always be my true home, and in this way, I don’t need to be in any particular place.
But, at some point, as you become more established in the Self, it really does become all about energy. The places you used to resonate with don’t feel right anymore—it’s like trying to squeeze into an old bathing suit. The conversations you once had feel impossible to have. The loved ones you still love, for sure, don’t feel like a refuge because you know they can’t protect you anymore from the intense process unfolding inside. Especially when I was newly awakened, I just kinda knew I was going insane, and that no one outside could help.
When things are shifting and growing so intensively inside, it becomes really obvious that nothing external really matters. In this way, finding places that feel energetically supportive/nourishing can be pretty challenging post-awakening, especially when you’re in a super-nebulous financial situation (which I am in, for the exact same reason: Very few employment situations feel aligned, and I just won’t compromise my inner state for money anymore).
It is hard. I am not going to bullshit you and say some stuff about how only the ego dreams awakening to be hard (although that is true on an Ultimate level, and I’ve probably said that before). I am going to say that awakening is difficult and filled with friction and it is only up to You to live a life that is grounded fully in Truth.
May this be the life I lead, no matter the cost. May this be the life you lead as well.
I do not know what is going to happen tomorrow. All I can say is that in this moment, I am extraordinarily exhausted and trying to do normal things like eat dried pineapple while watching reruns of Friends. But all I can wonder is why it’s so funny for these characters to be so bad at communicating with one another, why jealousy is entertaining, why Monica’s insane control issues are soooo hilarious. Of course I know it is because it is relatable: We like to see these parts of ourselves validated and poked fun at by the culture. I get it, but I can’t stop analyzing it. Like I’ve said, nothing is soothing in the same way.
And I can’t stop thinking: For the love of God, can we please just allow one another to do things like sit on steps and use wi-fi? On that note: Can we just allow homeless people to live in vacant apartment buildings, of which there are tens of thousands? Can we just give money to everyone until the monetary system falls apart and we simply share our spaces and resources? Can we give up the illusion of ownership? Can we stop programming our existing madness into our children? Can we just trust one another? Can we stop bombing each other? Can we stop denying one another’s humanity?
These are the kinds of thoughts that crowd my mind when I tantrum. It is never about the casino steps or the lady who was doing her job. It’s about the unconsciousness that causes us to lock our doors and shut each other out; it’s about darkness ruling the world and knowing it does not need to be this way at all. The suffering of all beings reverberates in me and my tears are not just about me and my journey, they are about you and yours as well.
And here’s the thing: I own every sin in the book. I still shut down sometimes. Name something shitty and I have done it, either in this life or in another. Even so, I am made pure by the light of God which is my basic nature in consciousness itself.
Location: Reno, NV